I am blogging for my own private blog, this will not be made public for now... it is March 16th and my little girl will be here soon! I have so many mixed emotions about her arrival. I am scared of the pain I am going to be facing. I know that I am a strong person and that if I focus on what the pain is going to be for, the purpose of it all, that God will give me the strength to get through it. I just have a pretty low pain tolerance. I also am so excited, this little amazing miracle, my little Mia, has been growing inside my body for almost 10 months! Can you believe that??? I get down on myself and it hurts my self esteem b/c of the weight I have put on for this pregnancy, but deep down in my heart I don't care. This little girl has already stolen my heart and I don't think I can even explain the love that I feel I already have for her. She is going to be such an amazing gift and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have been given to be a mom. Sometimes I am sad, because I feel like my pregnancy could have been much more enjoyable and that a lot of stress has been put on my body throughout this time, but I still love Mia so much and I know that things are going to be alright.
I feel really alone right now. I am really sad because I've made a commitment to my fiancee to make some major improvements, all within reasonable time of course, and I feel like no matter how hard I try that he will never see the changes. Maybe I just had a really bad night tonight, and that very well could be the case... that I am just talking out of emotion and hurt ( DAMN HORMONES I will NOT miss these!!!!). I am hurting so bad inside. I am crying on the inside and out right now and its so painful. I feel selfish because every time I cry like this it hurts my stomach. I feel so achy and sick inside and like Mia knows I am hurting. I feel my heart racing so fast because I am so sad. All I want is to be loved by the father of my child. I want SO badly for him to see that I can do this and it will take some time but I just don't think he understands me sometimes. I am very insecure lately and that is something I want to work on because I am so sick of feeling this way. Its such a horrible feeling to be insecure. I really shouldnt feel this way I mean for one I am fucking pregnant for Gods sake. I knew I was going to gain weight and why the hell couldn't I just embrace it??? Why are looks such a fucking focus for me WHY???? I am so hard on myself and its getting really ridiculous. Time to cut the shit out. I know Joe doesn't think that I love myself but I do love myself. He just doesn't realize all the hurt I have been through... now I know I need to let that hurt go and focus on now which is a very hard thing to do and I'm trying. I just don't think he really realizes how hard it truly is. Do you think I like being insecure about anything and everything?!?!? I fucking hate it! I hate living my life that way. Its so shitty!!! Who the hell would want that. I'm going to keep praying for myself and the strength to find it within my heart to let all my insecurities go. To keep my mouth quiet when I have that little devil on my shoulder telling me that I am not good enough, I am not thin enough, I dont look as good as the professional model on TV or the actress who pays big bucks for a trainer and cook for some gourmet diet food, oh and that I dont have someone doing my hair and makeup every day like the celebs. Come on Monika snap into reality. They have a much different life than you do, and if you had their life you probably wouldnt like it anyways. Its just not a reality that I should be comparing myself to such women. I know deep down in my heart that I have a lot to offer. I really am a smart women. I just need to get out of this funk and show everyone what I truly have to offer. Not only am I smart but I am funny at times, I can cook, I am beautiful on the inside and outside, and I have a very warm heart for people whom I let into my life.
It feels good to get these feelings out and I sit here alone hoping and praying that me and my baby's father can be so strong and get through anything together. I know that if we can just get past this speed bump (pretty big one) in the road, that we pretty much can get through anything. No jobs, no income, baby on the way, new home, expensive car... there's just so much that our relationship has been through. I love him more than anyone else in my life... well besides Mia :) Till later....
